Uncomfortable Feelings - Lights Out

Hello all,

Every now and then I get this strange feeling that makes me feel very uncomfortable, and was wondering if others got this feeling as well? I will explain. I could be sitting in my room after a long busy productive day. Just sitting there thinking. Then all of a sudden this feeling comes over me and I realize I cannot see a thing. I squint, open my eyes again, and find it is true that I cannot see anything. I then think and wonder what am I going to do? I wonder how I can work all day long and not think about the fact I cannot see a thing. I am usually very busy at work, recreation or just doing things around the house and having a very enjoyable time. The thought does not cross my mind that I am blind while engaged in these activities that fill up my days. Thinking that I will never see again makes me feel sad. Thinking I will not get to watch my wife grow old, see the clouds or the moon in the sky or anything ever again makes me feel a little depressed. I often wonder what my wife looks like now. I have not seen her since I was lying on my back on a hospital gurney after being admitted to hospital because of a very critical illness. I remember thinking I was going to die for sure while looking up and watching faces staring down at me as the light slowly slipped away. The light did not go out all at once. Light diminished around my central vision until all light was gone. I thought I was dying when this was happening and told my wife "I think I am dying and I am sorry". I am so glad those were not my last words to my wife and I did not die. The fading light happened when I slipped into a 3 month long coma. My wife did not know for sure I would not die until months later after many surgeries and procedures. Nobody really knows when I lost my vision, just was blind when I woke up and was alert enough to realize I could not see.

I wonder at times if maybe the reason I work so hard and long is because I want to block out these feelings?

I am fairly recently completely blind and others who might have been blind since birth or gradually went blind might have other feelings? If you have different types of disabilities you might have other thoughts that come up? I am not sure?

This is what I want to talk about. Do others have such feelings? If you do have such feelings at times does it affect your professional or personal life? How do you get out of these dark moods? I am thinking maybe some day things will feel better for me, and maybe others who have these thoughts. Just wondering when? Any thoughts that will help others or me would be appreciated.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Bill Tipton
Contributing Author, Global Dialogue Center

http://www.globaldialoguecenter.com/

Comments

[Guy Tiphane]

Hi Bill,
you want to keep busy, because if you stop and reflect on your condition, it will be difficult to feel good about it. There are so many examples in daily life that can upset us, and yet it is often better to ignore them and spend our time on the positive side. Which does not mean watching TV (I think that's a negative), but rather doing things that give you the feeling of progress and personal satisfaction. That means different things to different people.

When I think about your predicament, that of knowing your eyes are there and can move, but you don't see, I think I would go mad. Whenever I try to go around in darkness, I long for a light switch.

I daydream watching a nice tree. How would I replace the view if my eyes could not transmit that to me? Would I play music that would stimulate that same side of the brain? I don't know.

Everybody will tell you that you are inspiring to them, because you keep good spirits under adversity. Yet nobody thinks that you too will have difficult moments, when you just want to give up. You are human.

I think we just have to recognize those moments, and let them pass. Forget about all obligations and expectations for even a few minutes. Maybe even allow ourselves to cry.

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