The Power and Meaning of FORGIVENESS

Getting to forgiveness is perhaps the most challenging thing that we can do to go "beyond ourselves."  This is especially hard to do when we are at work because our emotional ties may not be as strong, and therefore neither is the motivation to forgive.

Forgiveness means letting go of our suffering.  It has much more to do with our own well-being that that of the person we forgive.  When we hold on to our suffering--our resentment, hurt, anger--we are inside ourselves with self-pity.  It becomes a veil through which we see ourselves and others; it becomes something we have to feed, keep alive, and justify.  If we don't, we think we allow the other person to be "right" in their unjust treatment of us.

But forgiveness can be one of the most powerful things we do.  Like any muscle, however, it has to be exercised to work well. Forgiveness can be complicated.  Sometimes we think that it equates to forgetting, diminishing, or condoning the misdeed, but it doesn't.  It has much more to do with freeing ourselves from its hold. Our ability to live our lives with love and generosity is impeded when we don't forgive.  It doesn't mean that we have to love and be generous to the woman who was disloyal to us at work or the man who belittled our ideas at a staff meeting.  It means we forgive them and liberate ourselves from further captivity.  Love and generosity will return in their own time (the same holds true for things that happen to us in our personal lives).

Importantly, when we go beyond ourselves--whether to forgiveness, unselfishness, thoughtfulness, generosity, and understanding toward others--we enter into the "spiritual realm" of meaning.  By giving beyond ourselves, we make our own lives richer.  This is a truth long understood at the heart of all meaningful spiritual traditions.  It's a mystery that can only be experienced.  And when we do experience it, we are in the heart of meaning.  We are no longer "prisoners of our thoughts."

Now ask yourself: Have you ever experienced the spiritual realm of meaning by extending beyond yourself in any of the ways mentioned above?  What is your perspective (and experience) with getting to forgiveness, be it in your personal life or at work? 

If you would like more information about the Logotherapeutic Principle of Self-Transcendence, that is, "Extend Beyond Yourself," see Chapter 10 of my book, Prisoners of Our Thoughts: Viktor Frankl's Principles for Discovering Meaning in Life and Work.

Meaningfully,
Alex

Alex Pattakos, Ph.D.
author, Prisoners of Our Thoughts
founder, Center for Meaning
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Comments

[Paul Maurice Martin]

Alex, your post makes me wish I could still read - I happen to be in my 15th year of a progressive illness and not only can't physically handle books anymore, but barely have time to try to promote my own, since I'm mostly bedridden now.

Your post has real depth. Letting go is the essence of forgiveness - let the love come on its own, since that can't be forced.

I particularly like how you've put forgiveness in the broader context of self-transcendence.

[Alex Pattakos, Ph.D.]

Hi Paul,
Thank you so very much for your very kind (and meaningful) comment! I'm sad to hear about your illness and wish you the best. I did visit your web site and know that you are a person of "original faith" and an inspiration! God bless, Alex

[Paul Maurice Martin]

Hi Alex,

Thank you for your kind words. I seem to be currently addressing this topic on my blog - I think it was reading your post that led me to do that.

The situation I've observed/experienced that's the most difficult when it comes to forgiveness is when a truly disempowered individual - for example, a frail elderly or severely disabled person - is under neglectful or abusive care. It happens frequently, but out of sight and out of mind to society as a whole.

Usually, we think of forgiveness as mentally letting go of a wrong that was done in the past; but when the situation is ongoing, it is very difficult and perhaps sometimes impossible, to live in substantial peace while faced day to day in such an intimate way with the mental unwellness of another.

[Dr. Alex Pattakos]

Dear Paul,

Thank you for your latest comment. I agree with you about the "out of sight" and "out of mind" problem of neglectful and abusive care of the frail elderly and severely disabled. It is definitely something that has to be addressed.

Insofar as your comment about forgiveness in ongoing situations, I agree that it is very difficult to do. This is not to say, however, that it can not be done, nor is it ever done. The inspiration that comes from people like Viktor Frankl, Nelson Mandela, as well as spiritual and religious leaders, typically underscore that forgiveness can (and does) apply to such ongoing situations too. Again, forgiveness does not mean "forget." At the same time, it is something that can still "free" one from the day-to-day abuse (and even horror) that may come our way. Thanks again for your insightful comments! Alex

[Joan landy]

It is funny that we spend our lives finding out who we truly are and at the same time knowing we have to let it go as soon as we get the slightest glimpse. Thank you for giving the "soul" a voice.

Joan Landy
Saturday, March 7, 2009

[Alex Pattakos]

Thank YOU, Joan, for your "soul-full" comment! Alex