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dale

I am 39 years old and I have never had my mothers approval. I believe deep down inside her that she hates me. She can only find fault with me. She has pointed out my faults for so long until that is all I can see are my faults. I desperately want to not feel the need to have her approval. I don't know how to let go of the need to please her. I will never be able to do that. I also fear that I will do the same thing to my daughter who is 10 now. As much as I try not to, this is all I know and I am scared I will be just like my mother.

Debbe Kennedy

Dear Dale,
My regrets for the delayed acknowledgement of your post on December 30. I actually wrote to you two days ago, but must have forgotten to hit the final submit button.

Thank you for sharing your story. You are obviously a caring mother and carry the feeling about your mother that seem to be common among women. We all long for their approval...I'm not sure I know exactly why, but I do have a rememberance of what you describe with my own mother and I think my daughter would also recount her tale with me. What seemed to help me most was working on myself and it started when I was in my late thirties, like you are. Someone once told me it was a similar process as baby birds and their mothers --- separating and flying solo isn't so easy to do, especially when the mother is pecking at us, and we haven't yet got our bearings. The fact that you've shared your story says you've taken a bold step in your own discover. Now it is in letting go...two suggestion that may be helpful...1)is an old tried/tested method of shifting your mind --- my recent post on letting go of negative thoughts is a great little development step; 2)A recent find came from a friend. She highly recommended JOEL OLSTEEN's bestseller, YOUR BEST LIFE NOW! I read it with hestitation, thinking it was just another self-help book with a religious slant. It is truly wonderful how he has brought together the "pearls and gems" of TRUTH into one easy to read book. I surprisingly found myself highlighting something on nearly every page that really spoke to me. It is hard to imagine that anyone could read the first chapter and not walk away with a moment of encouragement and motivation about "enlarging your vision."

These steps may not work for you, but I offer them because they may inspire just the right steps. It is admirable that you are wanting to break the cycle for your daughter. I'm going to be thinking of you and hoping you'll come back and share your progress. I am certain other women can totally relate with your post.

All the best to you...
Debbe

Melynda

Dale -

I feel your pain through your words. There were many years I to thought my mother hated me... some of it I owned as I had not been kind... some of it I just didn't understand because I believed mother's were to love you unconditionally. The answer came to me after a long separation from my mother. Through my own therapy and growth I learned that mother's are human and they have stories that most of us as children never truly know. As I learned to love myself, I learned to truly understand my mom did love me. She never stopped. Because I didn't love myself I couldn't see her love. I wasn't sure I really wanted it, there were times it was easier to think she hated me because it helped me validate how I was feeling about myself.

I have a daughter who is turning 18 this year, I've worked very hard to ensure she felt loved and accepted all the time. Someone once told me to be sure to tell her when she did things that I didn't approve of that her "behavior" was what I didn't approve of not her as a person, as a person I love her with every fiber of my soul. I'm fortunate that my daughter is much better at being able to tell me when I've hurt her feelings or said or done something she doesn't like. This has helped keep the lines of communication open.

You have taken the first step in acceptance by talking out loud about how you feel. Your feelings are valid... but realize that you need to love yourself and when you do you will find your mothers acceptance isn't something you live for.

Today, my mother and I have a very special relationship. I don't need her acceptance but when she shows it I shine... and when she doesn't I still shine because I am loved by my mom and most importantly by myself... I'm going on 40 and it has only been the last few years I've learned to love myself and love those around me.

My thoughts are with you,
Melynda

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