This was a season of love and forgiveness. It came with a package from my daughter and a letter. She described a visit we had had with her in October---"I had the best gift in the world, the gift of forgiveness...the gift of love...the gift of acceptance, which came from our time together." She went on to say that this year she was grateful to have a renewed relationship...and that in the process of it unfolding she had learned to not take it for granted, but to believe in Amazing Grace. This is about as good as it gets for a mother...and for a daughter, too. I feel it!
So much of life, the mother and daughter so often seem to struggle, but what a great joy when, at last, you can fall into each other with a renewed gift of love and forgiveness, accepting one another for who you've grown to be. I'm not sure my mom and I did this fully. She did the best she could do with what she had and in the end, it was Amazing Grace that led me to this acceptance of her.
There is a power in love and forgiveness that cannot be denied. It frees you!
Who do you need to love and forgive in this season of renewal?
What story comes to mind for YOU? Hope you'll share it.
Debbe Kennedy
Founder, Global Dialogue Center and Women in the Lead
Come for a visit: Women in the Lead at the Global Dialogue Center
I am 39 years old and I have never had my mothers approval. I believe deep down inside her that she hates me. She can only find fault with me. She has pointed out my faults for so long until that is all I can see are my faults. I desperately want to not feel the need to have her approval. I don't know how to let go of the need to please her. I will never be able to do that. I also fear that I will do the same thing to my daughter who is 10 now. As much as I try not to, this is all I know and I am scared I will be just like my mother.
Posted by: dale | December 30, 2005 at 12:17 PM
Dear Dale,
My regrets for the delayed acknowledgement of your post on December 30. I actually wrote to you two days ago, but must have forgotten to hit the final submit button.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are obviously a caring mother and carry the feeling about your mother that seem to be common among women. We all long for their approval...I'm not sure I know exactly why, but I do have a rememberance of what you describe with my own mother and I think my daughter would also recount her tale with me. What seemed to help me most was working on myself and it started when I was in my late thirties, like you are. Someone once told me it was a similar process as baby birds and their mothers --- separating and flying solo isn't so easy to do, especially when the mother is pecking at us, and we haven't yet got our bearings. The fact that you've shared your story says you've taken a bold step in your own discover. Now it is in letting go...two suggestion that may be helpful...1)is an old tried/tested method of shifting your mind --- my recent post on letting go of negative thoughts is a great little development step; 2)A recent find came from a friend. She highly recommended JOEL OLSTEEN's bestseller, YOUR BEST LIFE NOW! I read it with hestitation, thinking it was just another self-help book with a religious slant. It is truly wonderful how he has brought together the "pearls and gems" of TRUTH into one easy to read book. I surprisingly found myself highlighting something on nearly every page that really spoke to me. It is hard to imagine that anyone could read the first chapter and not walk away with a moment of encouragement and motivation about "enlarging your vision."
These steps may not work for you, but I offer them because they may inspire just the right steps. It is admirable that you are wanting to break the cycle for your daughter. I'm going to be thinking of you and hoping you'll come back and share your progress. I am certain other women can totally relate with your post.
All the best to you...
Debbe
Posted by: Debbe Kennedy | January 03, 2006 at 05:33 PM
Dale -
I feel your pain through your words. There were many years I to thought my mother hated me... some of it I owned as I had not been kind... some of it I just didn't understand because I believed mother's were to love you unconditionally. The answer came to me after a long separation from my mother. Through my own therapy and growth I learned that mother's are human and they have stories that most of us as children never truly know. As I learned to love myself, I learned to truly understand my mom did love me. She never stopped. Because I didn't love myself I couldn't see her love. I wasn't sure I really wanted it, there were times it was easier to think she hated me because it helped me validate how I was feeling about myself.
I have a daughter who is turning 18 this year, I've worked very hard to ensure she felt loved and accepted all the time. Someone once told me to be sure to tell her when she did things that I didn't approve of that her "behavior" was what I didn't approve of not her as a person, as a person I love her with every fiber of my soul. I'm fortunate that my daughter is much better at being able to tell me when I've hurt her feelings or said or done something she doesn't like. This has helped keep the lines of communication open.
You have taken the first step in acceptance by talking out loud about how you feel. Your feelings are valid... but realize that you need to love yourself and when you do you will find your mothers acceptance isn't something you live for.
Today, my mother and I have a very special relationship. I don't need her acceptance but when she shows it I shine... and when she doesn't I still shine because I am loved by my mom and most importantly by myself... I'm going on 40 and it has only been the last few years I've learned to love myself and love those around me.
My thoughts are with you,
Melynda
Posted by: Melynda | January 11, 2006 at 08:36 AM